Brain Returns to Initial State

Okay, so the last entry wasn't exactly great writing. Well, neither of the last two were, though I did enjoy rambling on about a work-out plan (which has since changed in case you were interested. Being that I'm certain the only person who reads this is the one person who subscribed, my assumption is that you're not).

The first two entries came rather naturally as I felt like writing at the time. The last one I did feel like writing, but didn't know what to write about. It was more that I wanted to get something off my chest, something that would need to far to many details to make sense and I'm not willing to give such details away on what is essentially nothing more than a public exhibition into the life of Louis Gaudet. What a life that is.

Now, that something won't be so much discussed, but rather the need that that something has gotten out of me. That need, which will be discussed in full, is the need for discussion. How I yearn to talk to someone and mean every word of it. I want to feel a discussion again, not just simply have one. I want every pointless sentence that I ramble on to feel important to me, spite the topic at hand. It's not so much that this particular thing I've wanted to discuss is what is going to satisfy me, it's the discussion of life with someone on a level that actually intrigues me and motivates me. That's what I need.

This is not to say that every person I've spoken to for the last month has just bored the shit out of, far from it. In fact, I've had some marvelous experiences and conversations over the last month, met new people and have done new things; it's most certainly been one of the most productive and proactive months of my more recent life. There has plenty of new and exciting things that have happened that bring a certain level of keen for the future, and there has been plenty of drama that brings a certain level of anxiety towards some of my friendships. It's been an interesting month to say the least, but I've enjoyed it and am happy with the results.

None the less, spite the things I've achieved and the opportunities I've embraced, more than ever I feel a need to have a discussion of substantial meaning and depth. Something that embraces a complete sense of openess. How can I achieve such a thing you ask? A multitude of ways...

First of all there's sex. Now, sex itself of course will satisfy an entirely different set of needs, but it's the aftermath of sex, and not even just sex but any form of sexual experience. I don't want to give the impression that I'm King Ding-A-Ling over here, I'm most definitely not a fucking machine (or a fucking machine), but with the experiences I've had over the years there's been a handful of girls that have meant something to me on some level. It may not result to a relationship, and more often than not it's been one off, but it's still meant something to me and the experience will be a positive one that I look back fondly of. I've never done a girl wrong (or at least intentionally), and I've managed to remain friends with some of these people without mention of what we've done again, but it'll have a place for me. How I know these experiences have meant something to me, and can seperate them from the one's that I can safely call a mistake with no hesitation is based on the incredibly casual and relaxed nature of the situation. We can just sit there and chat away and it can be literally be about nothing (I can't remember half the conversations), but it would still feel like the most open I could ever be. A discussion that no matter what the topic is, it plainly examples who you are and what you're about without any hesitation whatsoever.

So that's one way I could satisfy my needs. Of course that is a way that you can't just dog for without concern of the consequences, and I'd rather not just try and fuck everything that moves.

There's the meeting of new people. That can be rewarding in a different way. With new people you are free to be who ever you want, and thus whatever your conversation is somewhat limitless. Now, some might disagree with that and find the meeting of new people completely restrictive, but what you must take into consideration is that this person might appreciate complete openess. Whereas you might fear being exposed by letting yourself free to a stranger, they might actually actually find enjoyment out of that and it could be a reason to like you all the more. That's a satisfaction that can't be matched, the ability to be whoever you like in the presence of strangers. I should mention though that I have met some people in the previous weeks, but though I may have gotten along with said people rather well (surprisingly well actually, considering my usual knack for hating everyone), it wasn't as satisfying as one would hope. Maybe it's cause it was amongst other friends and I felt like I was on display, or maybe it's cause my mind was stuck elsewhere, I don't know. Whatever the case, this time meeting new people didn't work.

Spontaneity. The quality of being spontaneous. That's another, and probably plays a heavy role into the meeting of new people thing. Now, there have been moments over the last month where I have been surprisingly spontaneous, which I won't go into detail now (let's just say that they could cause social ruination and possible incarcerations for acting like goldie-locks), and those have brought an intense amount of satisfaction to my needs, but in turn actually heightened my needs ten fold leaving me rather unsatisfied with the weeks following. What to do, what to do?

I'm trying to find ways to satisfy this need for discussion. Generally I'm trying to relive the spontaneity of previous experiences, but being that it's already been done it kind of deems itself redundant. In saying that, they could just turn out to be a starting point for things to come, which is what I'm most working towards. I'm also trying to do things by impulse. Rather than organise an event with someone 5 days before hand I'm trying to satisfy the urge to hang out with said person by doing it then and there. Why wait a week to see a person when your wanting to see them could've expired by that point? It's a social question that I believe deserves an answer.

There's a certain level of anxiety involved in organisation to meet others. It feels like you're working too hard. But just calling up and organising on the moment feels so much more natural and great.

I need to get better at this whole "interaction" thing that people have got going.